LEADERS FAIL FIRST ROUND OF ARM-WRESTLE NEGOTIATIONS

  

  

 

Hot Camera Confab Catches Canuck 

 Canoodling 

 

AP--Kiev

 

Transcript KEY

MC: Canadian PM, Mark Carney

VZ: President of Ukraine, Voloydymr Zelensky

Igor: The Custodian

 

MC: “I thought that presser went well. Didn’t you , Mr. President?”

VZ: “Please, you call me Vola, eh? All mye frient does.”

MC: [Smiles, shyly] “Well, Vola, please call me Mark.”

VZ: “‘Marx’. Das nice namez. Wha’ it means? Is Frenches?”

MC: “No. No, I think it’s from Latin. Marcus or Mars. You know, the god of war. That’s strange because I never thought of myself as…”

VZ: “Yas. Wars. Ukrainez and Vola. We knoze bout das. For surez. Gott damnz!”

MC: “I know, I know. And Canada will be behind you all they way, Vola. To defeat Russia and win this war! Look over your shoulder and we’ll be there. Right behind you.”

VZ: “Ha-ha, Canadeeze! You make joke like Trudoze! How is Justinz? I no hear from himt in whilez. Now you guardz my rear? Ha-ha!” [President Zelensky makes a wiggling motion with his torso]

MC: Um, he’s doing okay, Vola. He’s looking for work. He thinks maybe something at the UN or WEF. Maybe the World Bank. He’s got his poker in a few fires…”

VZ: “Ha-ha! Yaz! That sound like my Justinz. Lotz of pokes. You like pokey-pokez, Marx?”

MC: “Ha-ha. Not sure what you mean, Vola. I’m a happily married man.”

VZ: “So you marriedz? Me tooz! You no like poke-poke? When catz ‘way, mice they playz! Ha-ha!”

MC: “Cum’ on, Vola, stop kidding. Er..you are kidding, aren’t you?”

VZ: “Sure-sure. I kid. I kid with Justinz, too.  He has great hair, no?”

MC: “Ha! That he does. Yes. Mine’s getting thinner by the day. Time waits for no man, Vola.”

VZ: “Hey Marxy, I tellz you secret. You my second Canadeeze buddy. I tell you how I stay young, strong! Like bullz!” [President Zelensky flexes his right bicep] “See daz, Marx? I strong. Why? By lotz pokey-poke. Make me strong. Hardz like rock. Feel dis.” [PM Carney touches President Zelensky’s upper arm]

MC: “Um, yes. Impressive Vola. You’re in great shape. Do you lift weights?”

VZ: “Ever daze, Marx. But I pokey-pokes all timez. You knowz Annaleaze Barebacks? She was Germanz foreign ministerz. We get it on all timez she comes to Ukrainez. Wow! She hot!”

MC: “I’ve met her. She’s very attractive.”

VZ: “She got kute behind. Like two melon. Yaz, sur! I love melon. How ‘bout you, Marx? You like melon? Squeeze tight and hold onz! Ha-ha!” [An elderly Ukrainian man enters the audience chamber where the two leaders are speaking. He has a broom and begins sweeping]

MC: [Speaking softly] “Well, Vola, I have to ask. Are you close to a ceasefire with Russia? It’s been over three-years now and…”

VZ: “Patowee! [President Zelensky spits on the floor] No, Canadeeze! Who tol’ you dis? Trump didz? He old man. Smell bad. Gott damnz NO! Marx, we fight ‘til end, or moneyz gone.

MC: I didn’t mean to upset you, Vola, it’s just….”

VZ: “No-no, Canadeeze...Marxy, I sorry. Hey, you want drinkx? Wiskyz? I gotz lots dat.”

MC: “No thanks, Vola. I’m meeting my wife for lunch. She’s visiting some art galleries here in Kiev.”

VZ: “You bring wifez, Marxy? Why? Dey jus' get in way. But, we can kickx back. Me-you. No matter. We throwz some shooterz. Maybe line or two. Why not? You prime minister Canadaz. You adultz. ‘What ‘appen in Kiev, stay in Kiev’, eh? Sure-sure. Hey you! Bring us drinkx!” [President Zelensky turns and speaks to The Custodian who continues sweeping] “Hey! You deaf?” [The Custodian stops sweeping]

Igor: “My job is sweep here every hour. I sweep. You want me stop sweep?”

VZ: “Yas! Das ‘actly what I meanz!” [President Zelensky’s face turns red as he stands] “I say bring Marxy and me some drinkx!”

Igor: “Okay. But I still need finish sweep.” [He starts to sweep once more]

VZ: “Gott damnz, old man! Do I say! You want goes front line? Maybe sweep for Russian mine? Big boom! I can send!”

Igor: “Okay-okay. Yes, master. I go get you and pretty-face drinkx. You drinx too much, anywayz.” [The Custodian leaves the room]

VZ: “Damnz! You no can get good help deez dayz. It Putin fault. He cause all dis trouble. I sorry ‘bout dat.”

MC: “And I’m sorry you’re having problems with your staff, Vola. You’ve got so much on your plate, you don’t need bad-mannered domestics. You should fire him.”

VZ: “Oh, I no canz do datz, Marxy. He my papa. He has big chip on shoulderz. Mouth off all timez.”

MC: “Your father, Vola?”

VZ: “Ya-ya. Who else I truss? My moma she cookz, doez laundryz. I have cousins, unkle or two for securityz and for drive. Who else I truss? My familyz suck but what can you dooze? Hey, my old man will take forevers bring us drinkx. He go slow jus' to piss me offs. Cum’on, Canadeeze, letz go out for drink. Watch girlie-girlz shake-shake. I know place. No one see. What you sayz? Loosen up, eh? I call Uncle Michail, warm up limo. ”

MC: “But my wife is expecting…”

VZ: “Who wear pant, you or wife? One drink. Cu’mon. We show her who boss. She stay couple hours at hotel by self. Paint her toenailz. So what? What you say, Marxy? Man or mouse? Phone her and sayz you make big deal with Vola. I phone “Shagging Sue’s” and get good seat. Yah-yah. It fun. You seez.”

MC: “Well, er, just one drink. I don't want Diana to know. She doesn't like it when I drink during the day.”

VZ: “Sure-sure, Marxy. Mums wordz.”

[They leave. Some time later The Custodian returns pushing a drinks cart. He looks around then wheels it over to the chair vacated by President Zelensky. He sits and pours himself a drink. He drinks, smacking his lips] 

Igor: “Yah, sur! Daz gootz, by damns!”

 

 

Cheers, Jake. ____________________________________