CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES...

  

IT’S ALWAYS GOOD to have a bit of a refresher and to bring things up to date as near as it’s possible to do. So, I’m sure that most readers are unhappy, as I was, over the latest “Global Happiness” census published in the World Happiness Report (2025). Naturally, the “Nordics” all made the Top Ten happiest countries in the world, with Finland rated Number One (again), garnering a 7.764 out of 10 score, up a tik from 2024’s 7.736. Did Finland’s decision to join NATO and its new government’s decision to host American nuclear weapons give it a boost in the happiness index? Who knows with the Finns, but their 1300km. border with Russia is now closed and militarizing on both sides. In the past it was porous, with local Finns and Russians crossing over for work or to hook up and the like. Perhaps nestling down in the crosshairs of nuclear Armageddon adds a spring to the step in the average Finn and the thrill of being closer to oblivion or a catastrophic war with their neighbour, a nuclear superpower, makes each day more precious and therefore not to be wasted. It is indeed more exciting to contemplate megadeaths than being forced to stare off into the vast tundra and boreal hinterlands of Mother Russia eight months of the year. A change is as good as a rest, they say. Hopefully Finland can keep its happiness standing even after the place is turned into a radioactive ashtray.

 

OF COURSE, the country most on people’s minds these days is Israel. How does it fare with respect to the various indices* of our Happiness survey? While it remains in the Top Ten (and has done so for several years), 2025’s score of 7.187 out of ten on the GHI is down a tad from 2024’s score of 7.234, though both scores give Israel an Eighth Place in the global rankings. It’s a worrying trend and not a statistical outlier says Professor Arno D. Piffle of the University of Tel Aviv’s Centre for Israeli Wellness, who I interviewed shortly before the IDF (Israeli Defence Force) launched its military campaign to liberate Lebanon from the Lebanese:

“Look”, the dour-faced academic began after introductions and drinks, “2020 was our best showing. We came fourth on the Happiness Index that year. Fourth! Ever since, there’s a slow decline. In 2026, Israel falls to Eighth Place and there is every reason to believes this trend will continue for the rest of decade. Shocking, I knowz.” When I suggested Israel’s genocidal actions in Gaza, its ethnic cleansing in the West Bank, its attacks on Lebanon, land grabs in Syria, and war with Iran might have something to do with the country’s less than ‘top tier’ happiness performance, Professor Piffle chided this reporter: “Look, Mister Goy, Israel is small country with big plans, so no omelette without breaks egg. What I can say?” 

WHILE the academic poured more drinks I commented on the high suicide rate among returning service personnel; on reservists not reporting for duty in the Gazan or Lebanese warfronts (a figure much higher than before the war), and on the failure of Israeli and American military might to subdue Iran despite months of bombing, and finally the fact that Hamas is still a factor in Gaza and Palestinians are still there after more than one-thousand days of what most observers now concede is a genocide. I pressed my point that these may be the cause for the elevated levels of 'funk' within Israeli society, hence its lower GHI score.

Not so, contends Professor Piffle. Instead, he says Israel’s lower GHI rating is caused primarily by it’s standing in the Eurovision Song Contest:

[Sotto Voce.] “Shkutz!” [Normal Voice.] “Nonsense! Look, Mister Smarty Pants, Israel is home of God’s chosen people, don’t forget! We came first in Eurovision 1978-79, again in 1998 and in 2018 with Netta’s charming rap/dance fusion song, “Toy”. “You see, Goy Boy? Look at how charts of Eurovision and Happiness Index line up [Professor Piffle put pages of graphs and flow charts on the table where we sat drinking his rather fine bourbon.]

“See? Don’t you see? Here and here.”

AND I MUST SAY, after a while, Professor Piffle’s theories made increasing sense. Even though Israel was not actually in Europe, the governing body of Eurovision saw fit to include it in their deliberations, much to the credit of the show’s organizers, who brought the wares of talented Israeli song meisters to the global stage. “Listen, Shirley, [Not my name, though Professor Piffle took to calling me that as the night progressed.] “Many Jews today in Israel are descending from Europe after you-know-what happens in last century. We come here to an empty land for the sake of our people. But, we are one foot in Levant and other foots in Europe. We are a bright, white light in the Arab darkness. Our songs are sung for the ages. But, if our songs go unsung in Eurovision as the best songs in world, so too goes our happiness. And who would want us to be unhappy other than antisemitic scum, I ask you? They are everywhere. But this year Israeli song team made number two in Eurovision contest! Two, Shirley! I predict we will have happier Israelis this year and next as we set our sights [Professor Piffle chortles] on the number one Eurovision spot next year. You wait and see! Hoo boy! Drink up! Let’s order pizza. Extra anchovies! Yah!”

OUR INTERVIEW continued until late into the evening. Professor Piffle played his Eurovision collection of Israeli entries since 1973.

 

CHEERS, JAKE.

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* Social support; GDP per capita; healthy life expectancy; freedom; generosity; perceptions of corruption.