WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?

 

I doh know wha's happan. Where ams I? The airs smell like goat kack and peeze buckets. I hear noise somewares. Bombs. Bigt booms. They are evarwhere and I can’t make moves. I need to take dump but whare I go? These guys in my squatz, they hate me and laugh at my tiny feet. They arn’t so small. I seen others feets much more small. They give me gun at our camp. They say: “Point. Shoot. Is ezee, Birdfeet." That’s wha' the Cossack skum call me. Fuckers! When I gets home, I will fly drones right up their asses. How like Birdfeets now, fuk faces!

They tell me: "Go shoot Russians. They over there in trees. Point. Shoot. Bang! Bang! Go on." They point to end of trench. I go there and point my gunze, but I doan seeze them. But they sees me! They sends small drone that drops bomb that almoas kills me forsurs! I runs back to my squatz and they all laffs at me. I am no longer need to take dump because I poop myselve. I stink like pigs barn. They laugh more at Birdfeet and I can’t wait to get back to Kiev. I will send missile up their fat azzes. You bet!

How long must I stay here? They send me out to be “Man of People”. They say I must show bravish faces. Be like Tom Cruise in Top Gun II, only I am on the grounds. When will cameras and film krew come? Have they forgets Vova? I am pres’dent of Ukraines! When will they come so I can take hot baths and have drink, and have fukturds who calls me Birdfeets shot? It has bens so longs now…but I must goes, a drone find us and all my guys leave. "Hey! Wait for me, you guys!"

--Volodymyr ("Vova") Zelensky (President of Ukraine) "Man of the People". [Voice Log: Day 121]