CRINGE PIC: GIANTS AMONG MEN?

   

UNEXPLAINED GIGANTISM AFFECTS VISITING PRIME MINISTER

DP—Kiev

24 August 2025

 

IN A MACABRE TURN OF EVENTS, Canadian PM Mark Carney grew to nearly three times his natural size, dwarfing the honor guard at his address to the Ukrainian people while touring the Presidential Palace in Kiev. Scientists are baffled by his abrupt change in stature, providing a variety of conflicting and at times bizarre explanations to account for the politician’s radical growth spurt—everything from Nigerian “voodoo” to radioactive nodules in the headwaters of the Dneiper River leftover from 1986’s Chernobyl disaster. Even extra-solar aliens with advanced technologies are put forward as a possible explanation. MIT Professor of Physical Sciences, Arno Piffle, dismisses these theories as “trite and quite missing the mark.” Professor Piffle says that to understand the present phenomena we must look to the past so that we may gauge the future: “Really, very many incredibly bright investigators fail to recall one basic fact: this has happened before and will no doubt happen again.” The Nobel laureate went on to say that “Gulliverism”, the term he coined in a 2010 Nature paper entitled: “Reflections on Hyper-Pituitary Functioning in a Sub-set of Mammalian Actors”, is seen most frequently in those belonging to the social strata of high office, in particular, politicians. He reminds us that swelled heads are a precursor for the hyper torso and appendage growth to follow, including the muscles of the neck, which support the heavier, inflated “ego sack” or cranium. What's remarkable is that Gulliverism is so prevalent in this group, with the majority of the population assuming these giants use their enlarged brains for the benefit of society. Not so, says Professor Piffle: “In fact, brain growth in this category does not correlate to cranial growth in most of the ‘big heads’ I’ve examined. In fact, their brains are, on average, smaller than those of normal-sized craniums.” He goes on to say “hot air” fills the additional interior space of enlarged heads of most over-sized politicians. Ukraine's President Zelensky is a case in point. His excessive growth was much more gradual than Carney's, with his upper body developing in lock-step with his air-filled head. Professor Piffle is sure President Zelensky's brain, when removed during his upcoming autopsy, will reveal an air filled "ego sack" with a brain smaller than its cranial volume would suggest. 

This explains how Gulliverians can hold up their heads in the early stages of the disease while their bodies grow sufficient muscle mass to support their heads. Professor Piffle says the growth of politicians’ heads is caused by a virus that “spreads like wildfire” among their class. “At the end of the day, it’s just air inside, and a smaller amount of gray matter than normal.”

What Professor Piffle finds puzzling is how society in general treats politicians with over-large “ego sacks”, giving them the benefit of the doubt in virtually everything they do. He says society goes “out of its way” to support their growth, even though politicians' brains are often smaller even than journalists,  another social class with inflated heads and [to read the rest of the article click here to subscribe and support DP]

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