A POTTY-MOUTH POST MEANT TO EXPRESS PURELY GRATUITOUS HUMOUR AND THEREFORE OF NO CONSEQUENCE WHAT-SO-EVER

 

PHONE PALS FOREVER

Cell-call Intercept #12870 Between: Ukrainian Pres. V. Zelensky and Canadian PM J. Trudeau. 1 Feb. 2025. 18:00 EST. CSIS operative “Jizz-jazz” 00983451 Coded.

Key:

VZ: Volodymyr Zelensky

JT:Justin Trudeau

 

VZ: “Allo! Jussie you dare? Allo!"

JT: "Vovo? Is that you? Speak up, Mon Chere, I can hardly hear you."

VZ: “Somethink wrong dis pones. Oogh! It bugs me! Got damnz! Shit!" [tapping sound heard. More profanity.]

JT: “Vovo? Vovo? How are you doing? It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. I miss you."

VZ: “Lines work nowz. Yeah-yeah. I pone to ask you somethink. Jussie, I need nuklears bombzs. You have some for me? I stop Putin. Shove bomb up ass. Yas, sir!”   

JT: “Honey Buns! Nukes?! Don’t you know Canada doesn’t have any. We did. Or at least the Americans hosted some big, old bombs here under NORAD’s remit, back in the day.* We even had “broken arrows” when they dropped a couple on us because…”

VZ: “Jussie, Amerikaz drops nuke bombz on Can-ada? Why, Jussie? Why dey do dis?”

JT: “No, silly goose. By accident—off the coast of BC. The other in the Saint Lawrence River. It happened ages ago in the 1950s, but it put me off seafood altogether when I heard about it. I wish I could help you, Sweet Pea. If Canada had nukes, then that prick Trump wouldn’t push us around. Look how Israel shits on the White House lawn. Netanyahu gets away with it because he has nukes. My dad¹ would never stand fo…”

VZ: “Jussie, you say you no have nukes to Ukraine. What help, you are? Are we not friends, Jussie?”

JT: “Always, Dear Heart! You know that. You must know how I feel...” [sobs]

VZ: “Juss, don’t cry, babez. Hey, what you say we play 'touch game' like times before, eh?”   

[more sobs, then snuffles] “Really?”

VZ: “Yah, shorz. You go. First.”

JT: “Okay..” [pause] “Okay. What grows in deep, black soil?"

VZ: Hah! Thas easy one: Ukrainey oaks tree! Feel roots thick and hard.”

JT: “How hard?”

VZ: “Feel veins of root swoll up in summer rains. Warm rains drips downz your moutz.”

JT: “Hmmm. Ah, yes. Yes, I can! I can feel it! Oh my....[pause] Can you feel my tree roots, Vovo?”

VZ: “Huh? Oh yeah. Maple tree. Wonderful. Taste sweet and bitter at same time…”

JT: “Can you stroke my root, Vovo? I can almost feel yours."

VZ: “Oh, yeah. I stroke, I stroke. You feel my root now, Jussie? It moves like thick snake…”

JT: “No-no! Don’t say snake, Vovo. I’m scared of them. Please...”

VZ: Okay, okay....Then my root go deeps in black soil, stretching out, twisting way in, try to reach centre of ertz before it burst. Deeps and deepers. Fasters now, Jussie…”

JT: Oh, Vovo. Yes-yes!”

VZ: “You say, ‘yes, Vovo’? You find nuke for him?"

JT: “Don’t stop! Yes-yes! Oh! A Big nuke! A thick missile. So hard and long! A big one! It’s so big! I can’t take…Oh gawd…" [groans, grunts, heavy breathing.]

VZ: “So, you find nuke for Vovo? Yes?

JT: [short of breath; lights cigarette] "Yes. I’ll try. I’ll ask the Israelis. They owe me a favour.  You’re a devil, Vovo. I hate you! I hate you...and I love you. I do!”

VZ: Next time we meet. I show you in bed where anaconda roam.”

JT: “You’re a bastard. Did you know that?”

VZ: [Chuckling] “I knowz. Bye-bye."

 

END. AUDIO FILE #34. 1/02/2025____________________________________

 

* “North American Aerospace Defense Command”  

1. Pierre Eliot Trudeau. Canada’s 15^th Prime Minister from 1968-79 and from 1980-84.