NoW FORECAST

 

Time: The near future

Location: A raft in the mid-Atlantic Ocean

Inhabitants: A man and a cat

 

Key:

VZ: Ex-president of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky

Kat: The cat

 

Opening Scene: A drone’s camera pans across the water. It is balmy weather today, warm and humid. The sea is calm, a shiny, blue-bright mirror under a deep blue sky swathed here and there with wisps of airy cloud. Birds fly overhead. Fish school nearby. Gradually the drone camera zooms in on an object floating in the water. We see it is a large raft, ungainly buoyed in the Atlantic Ocean approximately one-hundred kilometres off the Cameroon coast. It is late morning. On the raft is a hut. Inside the hut a radio is playing music. The song, “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult, is accompanied by a solo male voice.

 

VZ: "Seasonz donz fears the reepser, nor does winds, suns or de rains. We can be likes dey arez. Cum’on Babyz, donz fears the reepser. Babyz take my handz. We be ables to flies…aw shits! What diz soundz? Not anudder fukin’ dronez.” [Ex-President Zelensky opens the door and throws cans of soup at the hovering machine.] “Fukin’ cocks suckerz! Buzz offz!” [The drone flies over the roof of the hut, discharging its load of fish guts and chum, then flies off.] “Uggh! Pitowee! Why dey do dis? Hay Katz! Why? [A large black cat emerges from the hut and begins eating the mess as it drips down the hut wall] “You likes dis shits, doan you, Master Katz.

Kat: “Mrrp-mrrp. Prr-prrt.”

VZ: “If you say soz. It smell badz! Stink all dayz. Basturdz!”

Kat: “Mrrp-mrrp. Meaow!”

VZ: [The ex-president goes inside the hut. He emerges after a few minutes carrying a cup of coffee. Kat continues licking the side of the hut.] “Ah, jaz! My morning cop coffeez. Nothing betterz than dis. Ya zur!” [He sips the hot drink while walking around his floating domain. It is part of the wharf the United States constructed in 2024 to provide a maritime point of entry for humanitarian aid into Gaza. After a short time in operation, high waves broke it apart and its various sections were stored in northern Israel. One section became the ‘raft’ used by the Ukrainian ex-president when he was deposed.] “Whatz a beautifuls dayz! I couldn’instk asktz for more betterz. Except maybez bactks in Kiev where flower bloomz. Grass greens. Warm. Sun shinez. Fight Russians. Yeah, dey waz goodt timez! Goodt timez, for surez. And I make lotz money. Tons moneyz! I hope Olena no spend itz all. Hey, save some for Vova and the kidz.” [He chuckles] “I miss dem so much. I maybe herez on float for whilez. Like Hollywood starz Matt Damons in movie, The Martian. He stuck on Mars. I stuckz on raff. [Dropping his shorts, the ex-president sits on a raised lip of a sealed access tube into the raft.] He defecates into the planter-like structure.] “Ah! Yah. Just like Matt baby, I save my pooz. For fertilize. Maybe start garden. Just in case.” [He finishes and continues touring his domain, coming to a section of the raft that has a built-in ramp for a small ship to dock. He unfolds a nearby deck chair and sits.] “Yeah. Dez should be hare soonz. Every week dronez buzz hut. Then they deliverz foodts. I unload supplies from boatz and das dat. Until naxt weekz. [He sighs and finishes drinking his coffee.] Me all alone. Lonely Vova. Nobody come see me. Only sound now is my voice. Jus’ like Crusoe guy. But at least he had Friday as buddy. Yah.” [The ex-president sits quietly for a time, humming a Ukrainian folk song. The melody is plaintive and stirring. Kat wanders over to the melancholic Vova meowing loudly.] Yas. Just me and you now, Master Katz. Me ‘n’ you.” [The ex-president scratches behind Kat’s ears.]

Kat: “Meow-meow! Prrrr-prrr.” [After a time, a distant motor is heard. Soon, a sleek, torpedo-like boat approaches the raft. It slides onto the partially submerged docking ramp as the ex-president grabs the front line and hooks it into a winch. He begins cranking it to pull the unmanned surface vehicle higher up the ramp. He begins unloading his weekly supplies.]  “Oh boyz! Same old shit! Canz tomato soup. Spamz. Beans. Mac ‘n’ Cheeze. Peanut butters, Bag of stale bagelz. Look, Master Katz, no shave creams, razors. But give me a nudder box of condoms! Wha' for I use dis here, huh? Doan worries, I no try on you! Ha-ha. But all sortz cat foodz for you!” [Kat meows loudly rubbing against the ex-president’s legs as he places the supplies onto a small cart kept near the loading dock. After a while the boat begins to beep and an AI warning sounds: ‘Disengage drone boat from dock or it will explode in two-minutes. Do not attempt to board vehicle. Warning! One minute and forty seconds….’] “Yah-yah. Fuk you, AI! I knowz. I knowz. [The ex-president unhitches the boat’s line from the winch and the drone vehicle slides down into the water and motors off.] “Bye-bye asshole. Bye-bye. Fuk dease basturds, Master Katz! Fuk all! Well, come on. Letz go make the lunchez.” [He begins pulling the cart back to his hut.]

Kat: “Meow-Meow! Yes, let’s hurry! Prrt-prrt!” [Kat jumps onto cart.]

VZ: “Wha you sez, Master Katz? You talk to me nowz? ‘Bout timez!”

Kat: “Prrrr. Mrrrrrrawr. Don’t be silly. Prrrr. Cats can’t talk. Khllllsh!”

VZ: "I hear you plain as dayz. Tell me, when I go home, back to Prez’dent Palace in Kiev? Where my carz. My moneyz? My coke? How I get here, Katz? Why? Where are wife and kidz?”

Kat: “Questions, questions. Why don’t you have any answers, sir? You’re the president..er...ex-president.”

VZ: "How should I knowz? Last thing I rememberz is doing lines with Annalena Barebackz at my dacha near Lviv. We good buddies. Hokey-poke all over plaze! Wow! Germanz sure know how fuk-fuk! I go sleep. I wake up here. Wha’ ‘appen, Katz? You tellz me!” [He stops pulling cart.] 

Kat: “It’s hard to take your problems seriously, Vova. You humans are confusing to us cats. We have nine lives and always land on our feet, so we tend to take things as they come and generally relax when we have problems, like, say, a full litter box. We take life easy. You humans! Man, you make a mess of things! You rarely clean out your own litter boxes and you run around most days like cats in heat! You should nap more. At least nine or ten times a day. It’d do wonders for you, Vova.”

VZ: "I no need napz. I need get off this fukkin' place and go home."

Kat: "Hey, you know how many mating cycles I’ve missed on account of being scooped up with you? Plenty, let me tell you! I’m so horny I could spit!" [Kat spits.] "But then I calm down, cough up a hair ball, and have a nap. See how it works? You gotta learn to relax, Vova. We’re here for the long-haul. Back home, they “couped” you. The Americans. They got tired of you trying to make a deal with the Europeans for more money and weapons, instead of going along with Trump and negotiating with the Russians in order to…”

VZ: “I hate Russians! Pah!”

Kat: “…to save what’s left of your country. Your dawdling cost you Odessa and Kiev, Vova. Ukraine is now a rump state, a shadow of its former self. Landlocked and on life support. Thanks to you. Now, there's no NATO, no EU, no army for you! Banderites are rounded up and thrown in jail. There's millions of refugees. Over a million casualties on the Ukraine side. Government broke. Money gone away with rich expats. Ukrainian infrastructure in tatters. Vova, you could have had a deal in 2022, where you would have kept all the territory you lost (except Crimea). But that fat ass, Boris Johnson, flew in and convinced you to keep fighting. And you listened to that nob! Did you think the Russians were kidding? NATO in Ukraine was a big No-No for them. The biggest. And you ignored Putin (who, by the way, is still president of his country). Man! You humans sure know how to screw things up! And when you do fuk up, brother, it's a humdinger!”

VZ: “But, dey all love me—Macron, Stammer, Merz, Annalena, Ursula— They say so!”

Kat: “Vova, nobody loves you or even likes you. They dropped you like a hot potato when Trump threatened to bail out of Europe and NATO. Heck, I can’t stand you most of the time, and I’m a cat. We love everybody and anybody that keeps our bowl filled. Prrrr-prrr.” [The ex-president starts pulling the cart. Slowly. Lost in thought.]  

VZ: “I could havez been a contender. Yah. They called me Churchill once. Now, I no even have cell phone. Is Katz right? Should I have made deal with Putin in 2022? Did I think I could beat Russia? Was I wrong?”

Kat: “The answers to your questions are yes, yes and yes. And beating Russia, a country with three times Ukraine’s population, with all its resources, was a crazy idea to begin with. It was downhill after that. Nice job!”

VZ: “Stop rubbing ins, stupid cat, or I throwz cat food overboard!”

Kat: “Meaowwwowoa now!” Hey, let’s not get testy. You’re still the skipper hereabouts, you sexy thing! Prrrrr. Mrrrrrr-mrrrrr!”

 

Cheers, Jake.____________________________________