A COOL RECEPTION AT THE OVAL OFFICE
AP—2025-02-28
Washington, D.C.
‘Hot Mike’ Intercept
Key:
Volodymyr Zelensky: VZ
Donald Trump: DT
VZ: “…an’ all I ass waz you turn heats up. Why you so mad with dat, Opa. I…”
DT: “No more Opa, bubba! I’m not your grandpa, and the temperature is just fine. I get hot flashes, and I can feel one coming on.”
VZ: "I sorry you sicks, Mister Presidentz. But less me throw log in fireplaze. My fingers so cole I can hardlyz sign paperz."
DT: "It’s gas! Quit stalling. For the last time, give me the keys!"
VZ: "Okay. Okay. Here they arez." [President Zelensky tosses a set of car keys on the table.]
DT: "You took my car, my precious, beautiful, made in America Lincoln and wrecked it! How could you…”
VZ: "Wait, Opa…Mister Presidentz. Car is no ‘wreck’ as you sez is. Scrach, almost. Little touch up painz is all it needz. We fix. Make good as new. Give back speek and spanz."
DT: "You’ve made many, many promises and not kept a single one. Why should I believe you? Why should anyone? Tell me why I don't kick you out right now?!"
VZ: "Mister Presidentz, Donald…"
DT: "Mister President will do. Go ahead. Make your pitch. This otta be good."
VZ: "All rize, all rize. I come heres to Washingtones to ass for your helpz. You no give me what I needz to saves my countryz and to fightz Putin. I angryz. Shoutz. We both do, eh? I grab keyz and go for ridez. I notz tells you. I sorry dat. I go for ridez. To clear heads. I drives rounds capital. I sadz. Feel loneless. I see womanz…"
DT: "A hooker."
VZ: "Yaz. Very prettyz. Hair like silk. Nice knocker. So, I fine out she hooks afer I picks up her. But I givez ride any wasz. We talk. She know many Ukrainee here. From embassy. She sayz she need moneys for Oma in hospitalz. Very sick. I want help. But I no have wallatz. I leaves White House my jacketz. I look round car for moneyz to help Slyph. Thas her name. Very nize girls. Sister she say is nun. I fine walletz…"
DT: "My wallet. In the glove box. I always leave it there."
VZ: "I no see cash but gives her debitz card wit pins number on it. You should nevers put pinz number on card, Opa..."
DT: "My security team told me to memorize my pin. But, what am I, a computer? I need the number. So, I write it down. So what? I’m the president!"
VZ: "Yah, yah. You shoar are, Mister Presidentz. So, I give Slyph. She say she be back. She go cash machine in lobby her apartmentz. I wait in carz."
DT: "My beautiful car!"
VZ: "Hey. I pay back. ever cent. You can truss me for its."
DT: "I've heard that one before. Here we go."
VZ: "I waitz and I waitz. She no show upz. I waitz some mores. I still sad. Then I go Ukrainee embassy. I play card wit guys. I comes bactk to White Housez. I doan know who is scratch car. They scratch bad drawingz of dick in assez, in moutz. Big wad comes. Yuk! No me, Mister Presidentz. I…"
DT: "I’ve heard enough from you! You’re whore-buddy tried to empty my account! The son-of-a-bitch will be in jail a long, long time. Maybe forever. That's too bad, but that's what you get. My Secret Service team caught the guy while you were out joyriding. Beat the crap out of him…"
VZ: "Himz? What himz, Mister President? Sylph no himz. She no himz. No. Notz"
DT: "Oh, yeah, didn’t you know? ‘Her’ real name is Ollie Mertz. He’s a cross-dresser. Everyone in Washington knows Ollie."
VZ: "You meanz I.... Opa, she werez a he, you say? How dat happens? O, Saintz Olga! I feelz sicks to stomach."
DT: "Don’t you puke on my carpet! Party time is over, amigo! It's time you head back. I’ll send you the bill for the new paint job and detailing. And listen, I know what you were up to. The Secret Service installed a hidden camera in the ceiling light ages ago. You pervert! My car! My beautiful limo!"
VZ: "I sorry, Opa, I…"
DT: "Get out of here, bozo! It's time for your curtain call. You're Fired!"
[end intercept]
Cheers, Jake.😆